The Most Effective Way to Support a Survivor is Through Empathy and Understanding

Below are some tips on how you can help a loved one through Domestic Violence.

Offer Loving Support

Affirm your friend's worth by highlighting positive traits and expressing admiration for their strengths. Compliments and acts of appreciation can go a long way when someone is in an abusive realtionship.
Regularly send messages expressing your love for your friend. Validate them and any negative feelings they may already have towards their partner.

Respect Their Autonomy

Avoid making decisions for your friend or ordering them to do something. Instead, ask them what they need and let them set the pace. Taking full control can further disempower them so instead, try to gently guide them to seek help.

Don't Judge or Criticize

Avoid overly criticizing your friend's partner, as it might push them away. Recognize that abusers can also act loving and generous, making the situation complex.
Be a supportive listener without trying to be a therapist. Simply stating, "I believe you," can be powerful.

Encourage Self-Care

Encourage self-care practices that promote your friend's well-being. Abuse often makes survivors feel undeserving of care, so self-care can help reclaim their sense of self. Remind them that taking time for themselves is important.
Practice self-care yourself to maintain your emotional well-being and continue being a supportive friend.

Stay in Touch

Isolation is a key aspect of abuse. Regular texts, calls, or invitations for activities like movies, dinner, or walks can help counteract this isolation. This creates safe opportunities for conversation and shows your love and concern.

Create a Safety Plan Together

Work with your friend to develop a plan if they ever feel unsafe. This may include safe words or phrases that your friend can use to inform you they need help. This can also include preparations for leaving the relationship.
Safety plans should be tailored to your friend's specific situation and created in collaboration with a Domestic Violence advocate when possible. Check out our resources or your school's resources and provide them with any useful information you find.

Below are some ways you can support a friend experiencing Domestic Violence and approach a conversation with care and compassion. Remember, it's always best to seek help from experts and trained professionals. For additional resources, visit this link.

How to Support Someone Experiencing Domestic Violence When You’re Not "Close" to Them

If you’re not a close friend to the person you suspect might be experiencing Domestic Violence, it can feel tricky to approach the situation. However, if you are concerned about someone you should express it; it could be the intervention that makes a positive difference in their life. Here’s a thoughtful breakdown of how you can support someone in this situation:

1. Reach Out to a Mutual Friend (Without Gossiping)

If you share a mutual friend who knows the person better, consider speaking with them. This isn’t about gossiping or spreading suspicions but rather about ensuring the person gets the support they might need.

You might say something like:
- “Hey, I’ve noticed [their name] seems a little off lately, and I’m worried they might be going through something tough. Since you know them better, do you think they’re okay? Is there any way we can check in or support them?”
This approach helps create a support network while respecting their privacy. Avoid labeling their situation or making assumptions about their relationship to prevent unintentional harm.

2. Ask Neutral, Open-Ended Questions About Their Relationship

A gentle and non-judgmental way to show concern is by asking open-ended questions. This allows them to share as much or as little as they feel comfortable with.

For example:
- “Hey, how are things going with your partner? You doing okay?"
- “Your partner’s name came up in conversation the other day. How are you both doing?”

These questions keep the tone casual while giving them space to open up if they want. Even if they don’t, you’ve signaled that you care and are willing to listen.

3. Offer Subtle Support

If they don’t disclose anything directly, you can still show that you’re there for them by offering non-intrusive support. This is especially important if they feel isolated or fear judgment.

For example:
- “Just so you know, I’m always here if you need to talk about anything.”
- “I’ve been learning about resources for people dealing with tough situations lately. If you ever want to chat or need info, I’d be happy to help.”
- “You seem like you’ve been under a lot of stress. I just wanted to say that you don’t have to deal with everything alone.”

By keeping the tone light and supportive, you avoid pressuring them while subtly letting them know that help is available if they need it.

4. Directly Express Your Concern

If you feel the situation is urgent or their safety might be at risk, you can gently and directly express your concerns. Be compassionate and non-judgmental to ensure they don’t feel attacked or embarrassed.

For example:
- “I don’t mean to overstep, but I’ve noticed you seem a bit down or stressed lately, and I’m a little worried about you. Is everything okay?”
- “I just want you to know that if anything isn’t right in your relationship, you don’t have to go through it alone. I’m here to help if you ever need it.”
- “Sometimes relationships can be really hard, and it’s okay to talk about it. I just want you to know I’m here if you ever need someone to listen.”

If they acknowledge the issue, remain calm and listen without judgment. Avoid pressuring them to take action or making them feel ashamed. Instead, focus on understanding their needs and letting them know support is available.

Additional Notes

Be Patient: They may not be ready to talk or even acknowledge what’s happening. Your role is to plant the seed of support, not to force a conversation.
Respect Their Privacy: Be careful not to bring up the topic around others or in ways that might make them feel exposed.
Know Your Limits: If they disclose something concerning, guide them to resources (e.g., domestic violence hotlines, shelters) rather than trying to solve the situation on your own.

By combining subtle outreach, mutual support, and direct communication when necessary, you can make a meaningful difference—even if you’re not close to the person.

If you believe someone may be in danger, always call 911

Domestic Violence situations can escalate quickly and become unsafe. If you believe someone is in danger, don’t hesitate to reach out for immediate help.

The Power of Friendship

Lisa Aronson Fontes, a psychologist, compares the feeling of being in an abusive situation to being swept away by a huge wave. A friend extending a hand can be a vital lifeline.