How Abusers Operate

Abusers often use specific tactics to gain and maintain control over their partner for personal benefit. An abuser typically wants their survivor to:

Comply with their demands
Cater to their needs
Cover up/support their insecurities
Be subservient or submissive
Allow access to their time, attention, money, and/or body etc. on their terms
Center their life around the abuser

Abusers do this for many different reasons.

For many abusers, abuse became normalized in childhood. They grew up witnessing domestic violence and came to believe it is how adult relationships should function. The Childhood Domestic Violence Association reports that children who witnessed domestic violence are three times more likely to commit Domestic Violence as adults.

Take these reasons with a grain of salt, as it is important to understand that abuse is a choice- regardless of past trauma or experiences. People chose how they treat others, and abuse is a deliberate choice made by every abuser.

Common Traits Among Abusers

Again, Domestic violence is a choice, regardless of the abuser's background, mental health issues, or the survivor's actions. With this certain factors can increase the likelihood of someone becoming abusive:

Family history of abuse
Personal history of physical or sexual abuse
Previous physical abuse
Inadequate coping skills
Low self-esteem
Social isolation
Codependent behavior
Untreated mental illness
Substance abuse
Economic stress or pressures
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
Criminal history
Poor nonviolent problem-solving skills
Belief in strict gender roles
Desire for power and control
An acceptance or justification of violence

Having one or more of these traits does not guarantee someone will be abusive. Abusers may also use these traits as excuses to justify their behavior, but it’s crucial to understand that the responsibility for abuse lies solely with the abuser.

Psychology of Domestic Abusers

Understanding the psychological traits of abusers can provide insight into their behavior. Common traits can include:

Desperation to move the relationship quickly:

Rapid declarations of love and rushed commitments can be red flags, as abusers often seek to isolate and make their partners dependent on them. This can be viewed as "love bombing", or showing copious amounts affection to draw in a partner.

Cruelty to animals:

Abusers may harshly punish, neglect, or put animals at unnecessary risk.

Jealousy/Control:

Initially presented as care, this can turn into controlling behavior, such as constant or consistent questioning about whereabouts and company. Additionally, this can escalate to dictating what the partner can and cannot do.

Inability to Admit Fault:

Abusers often blame others for their problems and view themselves as victims of circumstances.

Hypersensitivity or Melodramatics:

Abusers may react intensely to minor inconveniences or perceived slights, seeing them as personal attacks.

Other traits can include: overall hostility towards a certain gender identity (Which can manifest as social exclusion, adherence to rigid gender roles, sex discrimination, and past violence against that gender identity).

Overall:

Many times, abusers will weaponize their past trauma and experiences to justify their behavior. However, NONE of these statistics, personality trends, or experiences are reasons for abuse. Abuse is a deliberate choice, and abusers bear full responsibility for their actions regardless of any other factors. The answer to understanding why abusers abuse is as shallow as "because they are abusive".

Lundy Bancroft, who is widely regarded as the leading expert on abusive relationships, explores the mindset of abusive men in his book Why Does He Do That? He challenges common myths, explaining that abuse stems from entitlement and control rather than anger issues or substance abuse. Check out this excerpt from his book for more myths about abusers.